I haven't blogged in a while mainly because I struggle with just how honest to be when I write. If you know me, I am usually brutally honest, so I don't want this blog to show how utterly dark I am inside. I feel if I write, it should be uplifting and tied up at the end with a pretty bow. However, several close friends have asked me to express just how I feel. Here goes....
I do not know for sure if I am cut out for this. I am a spoiled American. I wondered if this was a mistake, the worst mistake of our lives. It is a very burning pain to KNOW that God called you somewhere, but go to bed every night wondering what the heck I'm doing here and what have I done to my kids? We are square pegs in a round, or better yet, obtuse country. Nothing here is easy, nothing here makes sense to our American minds. I want to apologize for being American, but I can't. That's where God created me and in my finite mind I never imaged how other parts of the world lived. But here I am, in a country just a 2 hour flight from "the American dream".
We flew home recently to take break from Haiti and try to rejuvenate. We went to Family Camp with our church, the trip was great and we got to see lots of people we missed, but the underlying feeling for me was dread. Dread of having to return to that 10x10 room we are now calling home. I prayed ( a lot) that God would replace that dread with joy. I anger myself for dreading the return. I despise myself for being pitiful. I resolve to "gut it out", then immediately resent the thought of having to do so. "You called us here God, make it joyful!" I selfishly pray that our adoptions will be approved and we can come home with the girls. Everything works against us here. Even the elements. The only thing I look forwarded to on returning is seeing Adele. She is joyful in this dark and evil country. But I tell myself how repulsive I am for even feeling this way. I think of the woman just twenty feet from me on the other side of the campus wall, who's life does not even begin to compare to mine. She is joyful in her dirt hut while sit in my room feeling sorry for myself. This room is luxurious compared to hers. I am selfish and black inside for even comparing her life to mine. We have never ventured to say that we are in any way noble for giving up our lives and our "stuff" at home to serve in Haiti, and I cringe when people compliment and praise us for it. I take no pride in it. Isn't is the very least we can do to answer and be obedient when God says to "do this"? "Do this!" without expecting anything in return. "Do this!" even if you never see the results of your labor here on earth. That's certainly how we started out, but we are human (poor excuse) and I begin to look around me and dread sets in.
Satan certainly did all he could to keep us from getting back here. With none of us looking to getting on that flight, the ticket agent informs us that he will not give us our boarding passes unless we purchase return tickets to the US. What? We have made two one-way trips to Haiti in the past without return tickets. This guy is a jerk and insists that customs in Haiti will demand to see a return ticket. Obviously, he has never been in the PAP airport because customs is much more concerned about what we bring in the country and NOT whether or not we will ever leave the country. We tell him that in we are working to get our residence in Haiti and that we have 6 months to do so. He doesn't care and bottom line is, we buy $1200 worth of tickets to return on a random date just so we can get on board a flight we are all dreading.
One of my prayers since we have been here is for us to not get cynical and bitter. It would be easy to do. I especially pray this for Michael who has more of a daily interaction with the Haitian people and therefore more chances to be disappointed. Building a house in Haiti has proven to be virtually impossible. ("God, you built an entire wall around a city in three days!! Surely You could surprise us with a completed home when we return") We spent the last few days before returning home working diligently to put the walls up on our house and wanting to feel accomplishment before we left. Michael, Elijah and I surprisingly got quite a bit done, only to receive news at home later that our braces and supports had been stolen and the strong winds had blown the walls over. The question lingers, "Why are we trying to help these people when they just want to steal from us?" Then the flip side (or what I call the Holy Spirit) says, "My people do this to Me me everyday and still I love and bless them." Another score for the Holy Spirit who seems to be putting me in my place a lot lately. Like it or not, He's right.
The flight back to Haiti is uneventful and quiet, but our first disappointment greets us at the airport. We had asked that no one drive our truck while we are gone, but it is obvious that request was ignored. There is damage to front of the truck and it has obviously been wrecked. This is the very reason we wanted it to stay parked. Not to be selfish with what God has given us, but to be prudent with it. Again I am reminded that the truck is not mine, it's God's, He provided it. And once again I am disappointed in my response not just my verbal response but in my thoughts. (Score 2 HS!)
We are all edgy and tired and dread the settling in back at the room. Not only do we deal with our own dread, but the boys clearly let us know that they dread it too. And that, for me, is the most heartbreaking because I want to protect their hearts and minds. Almost all of my thoughts are negative and immediately trumped by the Holy Spirit with the word "touche". Someday maybe I'll get it, but until then, I am like Paul, I have to die DAILY to myself and wonder why I constantly need reminding????!!!
We are greeted at the orphanage to 80 sweet faces who are glad to see us. However, I am anxious to see what rodents or bugs have subleased our living quarters while we were gone. We discover that some small rodent has defecated in the "kitchen", and again the Holy Spirit says, "that's all you are leaving behind for Me as well, Renea..... defecation." So a pungent smell leads us to discover that "of course" the power has been off while we were gone and the little we left in the fridge and freezer have begun to stink. No power, no water. Michael apparently knows that this has sent me over the edge because he cleans all of it up for me. I am thankful for an attentive and God fearing husband. One thing we have been able to share with each other is our complete dependence on God, and the fact that we fail Him often. We have very little "family time" here, even though we live in such close quarters, but I would say that we are closer than we have ever been. Feeling each others pain and compassion.
A side note on how the electric company works here. The orphanage is one of the few customers in town that actually pays it's bills, but the reward for doing so is the demand for more and more money and the threat of turning off the power. Makes complete sense right? But the backward thinking is that we have money so why not milk the organization for more? This is typical of how Haiti "works". I know I sounds cynical in that thought but I prefer to call my cynical side "realistic". I DO love the people of Haiti, but this is realistically an evil and corrupt place to be.
Michael is doing an excellent job of leading us, not because he does everything right, but because he does want to seek God in everything he does. I am blessed to have a spiritual leader in him and so are my boys. We are often overwhelmed with this place and our lack of ability to change it, but this morning Michael reminded us that we are not here to "fix" Haiti and that our job is just to trust God to use us. A very wise fella back home (Scott Marsh) counseled us in saying that we cannot and will not find Joy by looking around us. We must get Joy from getting vertical with God. The illustration was that we could drive circles around the gas pump all day, but until we stop and "fill up" we are useless, just spinning our wheels. So that's what we are trying to do. Get filled back up. This morning our devotion time was especially needed and we are trusting in it.
Psalms 91 (from The Message, not my first choice of translations, but put it very clearly today!)
You who sit down in the High God's presence,
spend the night in Shaddai's shadow,
Say this: "God, you are my refuge.
I trust in You and I am safe!"
That's right He rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from daily hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you-
under them you are safe;
His arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing-not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around you,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You'll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God's your refuge,
the High God your very own home.
Evil cannot get close to you,
harm cannot get through the door.
He ordered His angels
to guard you wherever you go (whoo-hoo!!)
If you stumble, they will catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling
You'll walk unharmed through lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.
"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of any trouble (whoo-hoo!!)
I'll give you the best of care
IF YOU"LL ONLY GET TO KNOW ME AND TRUST ME.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you and throw you a party. (whoo-hoo!!)*
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"
*Caps and whoo- hoo's inserted by me (obviously)
So there it is, "know and trust Me!" "fill up at the gas station!!" ( I'm not too keen on the "long life" thing though God, I'd prefer to be physically in your presence.)
That's where we are, trying to just be obedient. Trusting and knowing. What better place to be than in our Creator's arms? Does it really matter where we are physically if that's where we are spiritually?? That's what we are praying for, to be filled up so that we have something to give in His Name. I feel sure, I know, that I will screw this up and need to be reminded again tomorrow or in a couple of hours, but that is why we should cherish God's Word.
